PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize