My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
wow bdsm is so cute
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
