I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
