Someone shit on the floor
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
