I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
