I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
