So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
