we have officially mastered the walk of shame
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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