I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
