My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
