I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
