You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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