before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Pants are for mortals
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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