Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
my poor anus
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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