he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
