The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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