So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
