Got a toothbrush?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Randomize
