I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
