wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
