I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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