i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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