Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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