apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
How's work?
Spinning.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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