I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
