Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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