He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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