did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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