I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
