The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
