One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
