Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
