Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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