I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
