I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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