Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
