ya dads aren't the best wingmen
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
