True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
two words: eviction party
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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