You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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