One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
