dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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