At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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