theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
