i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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