u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
