Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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