Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
