Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
