Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
