I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
