i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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