Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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