it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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