I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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