Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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