All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
if only i could text you this smell
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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