she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
