hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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